Things i’ve given up, with a feminist lens

First, an orientation: I write this post with zero judgment for people who are making different decisions than me. I’ve made all of these changes within the last decade (my thirties), and absolutely engaged in all of these things until then. We are all shaped by our culture!

I think of myself as a feminist. The definition and “standards” of what this word means changes with every generation and wave of feminist thought. And so decisions, feelings, thoughts change as well. Elizabeth Lesser came up with the term “innervism,” to indicate work that we must do within ourselves to support activism. As a ciswoman, I know I have absorbed sexist messaging from our culture throughout my life, and so part of my feminist work is to unearth internalized sexism (which can leak out into interactions with other women) and find compassion to fuel change. Here’s a tiny selection of things I have let go, with a feminist perspective:

1. High Heels.  I can and did wear high heels with the best of them! As a 5 ft 2 in woman, heels didn’t even count unless they were 4” tall. Heels were part of the look that I had internalized as a requirement for femininity, elegance and grace, sexiness, maturity, and professionalism.

Then I happened across information about minimal (or barefoot) footwear and began a deep dive, via the work of biomechanist Katy Bowman. I learned that our feet have the potential for incredible dexterity, endurance, and sensory input. I learned that, like a Jenga tower where misalignment low in the structure can topple the whole thing, foot problems can lead to ankle, knee, hip, back, and neck issues. I learned that high heel shoes (and most modern shoes, for that matter) are not much different than ancient foot-binding. Our modern shoes change the shape of our feet to achieve a socially constructed ideal, which can lead to pain, limitations in movement, and a disconnect from ourselves and our environment.

In letting go of high heels, I feel more grounded (physically and emotionally). I have experienced – actually barefoot on natural terrain – regulation in my nervous system and a spiritual connection to nature.

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Whole Body Barefoot by Katy Bowman

2. Daily Makeup. Like most girls and women, I spent many years (and $$$) on makeup, feeling that it was a given. Yet another requirement to present as feminine, mature, professional, well, and sexy/beautiful. I worked at makeup counters at Macy’s for a time! When I began dating my now-husband, I’d wake up early to “put my face on” before he’d see me. Then I had some skin issues and tried to figure out ingredients in the makeup that I was reacting to. Then I learned more about international standards of ingredients that are different than what we have (don’t have) in the United States. Then I had an eye issue and had to swap contacts for glasses and couldn’t do my eye makeup very well, so stopped. Then I became a mom and had to get choosy on how I spent my time. Then I realized I didn’t want to spend my money that way. Then I realized I was totally fine without daily makeup (meaning, I could feel as feminine, professional, mature, well, and beautiful as I wanted without it). Now, I use on rare occasions as one way to mark them as special.

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More Myself by Alicia Keys

3. Alcohol. A few years ago, I found my guiding principle in life, which boils down to “wanting a deeply connected life” (achieved through compassion in various forms). I took stock and realized that alcohol, a sedative and numbing agent, was not in line with my guiding principle. Then a client mentioned the book Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker, which added a feminist lens to my understanding. She gives a brief history of marketing and messaging around various substances and observes that women and mothers are increasingly targeted demographics for alcohol and that rates of use are rising. She makes the observation that the billion-dollar alcohol industry is the latest ‘opiate of the masses,’ which numbs, sedates, clouds us, gets and keeps us sick (regardless of gender!) Whitaker discusses a process of reducing alcohol intake (and being well, in general) that leans into yin (feminine) qualities and empowerment. I am not currently completely abstinent, and I don’t know that I’m trying to be. But I have personal guidelines and drink much less than before, and this choice is definitely part of what helps me feel deeply connected to myself, my experiences, and those around me.

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Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker

4. “Victorian” posture. That is, chest up and mid-back arched, stomach constantly sucked in, pelvis tucked under posture. This form of “good posture” was passed down by my well-meaning English grandmother and mother, and continuously reinforced in my ballet training. This posture was meant to present class/race, grace, femininity, confidence, and beauty. And to be healthy! Through more learning from biomechanist Katy Bowman, turns out that that way of holding our bodies can leads to pelvic floor dysfunction, back and neck pain, diastasis recti, problems with gait (and resulting foot, ankle, hip, etc issues). And trouble breathing and swallowing. The thing is, issues like this come way down the line after many repetitions of these shapes, and we blame it on aging! I will forever be “in process” to change this (aren’t we all always in process around everything?  ) but in doing so, I’m feeling more connected to my body and more physically stable. It feels like a gift to my future self.

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Rethink Your Position and/or Diastasis Recti by Katy Bowman

5. Focusing on weight and eating. I’m a suburban-dwelling, middle class, white, ciswoman and yeesh, so much conversational time (and internal chatter) happens around body shape, weight, and eating choices. I find it exhausting and not that interesting, if I’m honest. Of course, it’s in the name of health and wellness, and sometimes environmental values. Cool. But for me, and I think for many, it can become obsessive and reinforce sexist/sizeist messages of shame. Or environmentalist shame, for that matter! I came across the model of Intuitive Eating, which applies mindful self-compassion to our eating choices. I had already learned about mindful self-compassion and was all in, so applying this to my daily work of nourishing my body was a natural extension. I rarely weigh myself – instead I feel my body “from the inside out” – how it feels, moves, and feels in clothing. When I look in the mirror, I widen my gaze to take in my whole figure instead of narrow in on one small part and criticize. Always a work in process – I practice mindful eating and paying attention to my body’s cues for hunger, satiety, intuitive pulls to certain foods, and responses to foods, and decide – from a place of compassion (wishing myself health and well-being, wishing any pain and suffering to be eased) based on my body’s data. It’s really nice. And I get to think and talk about things that are more important and interesting to me.

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Intuitive Eating Workbook by Evelyn Tribole.& Elyse Resch

None of these things I’ve listed here are right or wrong - there’s no Right Way that fits everyone. Instead, these learnings and choices have been about shifting from unquestioned “default” and “have to” to intentional choice.

May we all have fierce compassion in our feminist journeys!