You Don’t be the Judge
In this post, I’ll be exploring non-judgment, and how it fits in with a compassion practice. Non-judgment is the practice of directing thoughts to neutral observation. Non-judgment is a part of mindfulness, which is part of compassion. Judgment is the practice of making an observation, then deciding if it’s good or bad, right or wrong, etc.
Here are a few quick definitions and examples of types of thinking about our experiences:
Observation (or Non-Judgment): Neutral awareness of a sensory experience. Sensory input happens automatically and subconsciously: our brains and sensory parts at work. Because there is an infinite amount of sensory input, our attention has to filter to select the most important, most relevant pieces of data to bring into conscious awareness. There is already bias as to what crosses the filter based on our own point of view: what we care about grabs our attention and becomes our conscious observation.
Ex: Hearing a baby cry and seeing their parent engrossed in their phone
Opinion: Interpreting observations from your unique point of view. This can happen pretty quickly as part of our survival mechanisms. Our opinions are part of how we are rapid-fire deciding what is safe or unsafe for us, where we might find community and belonging, and where we won’t. We form opinions based on our preferences, values, past experiences, knowledge & resources, etc. It’s part of how we are relating to the world as an individual, and it can be good if we remember what it is: our unique point of view. For ourselves. Not for everyone else.
Ex: Thinking, “When I’m the ‘parent-on-duty’ it’s important to me to be as present and engaged as I can be.”
Judgment: Believing your opinion is The Right Thing for Everyone. This often comes with a binary category such as good/bad, right/wrong, better/worse, stupid/smart. It can come with a sense of distance (“I would never do that”) that can shut down curiosity or a sense of shared humanity / struggle (aspects of compassion).
Ex: Thinking, “That's a bad parent for not paying attention to the baby's needs and acting as soon as possible.”
Just as non-judgment is the thought process behind compassion, judgment is the thought process behind shame, as these are opposite emotional experiences. When we realize we are judging a lot, it’s often the case of “hurt people hurt people.” In other words, a judgmental person is a suffering person. Judgment comes from shame and feeds shame, so that both the judger and judged will ultimately experience this painful human emotion. We can all go there, and so we don’t need to judge ourselves if we realize we’re being judgmental! Judgers need compassion too!
I began working on my judgment habit as a new mom. The example I used above is from my own experience! I wanted to be a great parent as we all do, but as a born and bred perfectionist, I began to bring self-judgment and judgment of others into my mindset about parenting. It added pressure, shame triggers, resentment, and stress to my experience. It didn’t make me a better mom. It led to irritability and a short fuse. Luckily, with my own therapy, spaces for real talk with other moms, learning more about shame-perfectionism-judgment (thanks Brené!) and doing the work, I’ve got non-judgmental and compassionate frames for the example above. Here are some versions:
“I’m only witnessing a moment. I know I have moments of this. I have no idea what goes on outside of this moment.”
“Parenting is hard. We all need a break, space for ourselves. Kids cry and then calm down, regardless of parenting.”
“She’s doing the best she can with what she has in this moment. Just like me.”
With thoughts like this, I can feel close to another parent, instant of distant. And when my turn comes around to have a difficult parenting moment, I can be all the more resilient. Yay!
Do you notice judgment around certain topics, behaviors, or people? How might you cultivate non-judgment and compassion?
Further Reading
Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me: women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame. First edition. Gotham.
Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: a proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.
