Alchemy of connection

Hi folks,

It’s time for another installment of my Compassion series! Here, I’ll walk through the differences between empathy and compassion, and why it’s important. 

First, some definitions from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart:

“Empathy, the most powerful tool of compassion, is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.” (120)

Further, there’s cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy, like it sounds, is an intellectual understanding of someone’s emotional experience. Affective empathy is when you take on the emotional experience or absorb the emotional energies of someone else. You embody the experience. 

Compassion is “the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.” (118)

Brown continues with a quote from Pema Chödrön, American Buddhist nun and author: “Compassion is not a relationship between healer and wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.”

So, compassion requires empathy, and then builds on top of it, a willingness to relate to the emotional experience and understand it as human, be kind and non-judgmental around it, and wish the person/being ease from suffering. 

For example,

Person 1: “I left the bathroom and returned to my work meeting. After I was done presenting, someone told me I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe!”

Empathy

Person 2: “Oh no! That’s embarrassing!”

Compassion

Person 2: “Oh no! How embarrassing! I’ve been there - I once gave a job interview with poppy seeds stuck in my teeth the whole time. I’m with you, my friend. What do you need?”

Person 1: “I spent so much time preparing and wanted to come across as professional, and I’m worried that it undermined all my hard work.”

Person 2: “Ah, I get that. But professional doesn’t mean perfect! Maybe some people noticed the TP, but do you think your hard work came across, too?”

Person 1: “Yeah, I think so. I saw some people nodding along, and there were a couple of good questions at the end. Ugh, I just feel down, for now. I’m gonna go listen to my Rainy Day playlist.”

Person 2: “Yes, do that. Call me later if you want.”  

Empathy will activate the same areas of the brain as if you were feeling the emotions, yourself. The anterior insular cortex (AIC) processes emotional pain, and is activated with empathy around unpleasant emotions. So empathy can be painful. 

Compassion, on the other hand, activates the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) which produces a pleasant experience. We might call that connection. Because humans are a social species, connection with others is a human need. An experience of connection with someone is pleasant because our biology wants to reinforce us fulfilling that need. Connection can also trigger oxytocin, which is a hormone related to bonding and trust. When that hormone flows, we feel pleasant and calm.  

There’s an irony here. Empathy has a bit of a removed stance to it: you can observe something in someone else - point to it - and leave it at that. And yet, empathy can leave you in distress. Compassion requires you to relate to someone else’s experience - get in there, and stand right there beside them in the yuck - but leaves a positive experience. Huh. 

I think of this as the alchemy of connection! (Alchemy, as in a magical transformation of one thing to another). If we get closer and kinder to someone, we can turn pain into pleasure for both people. That’s pretty cool. 

How to build empathy? 

• Increase your emotions vocabulary and learn why each emotion exists and what behaviors might come from the emotional experience. Education helps foster non-judgment and comfort around feelings. We’re less afraid and judgmental of things that we understand!

How to build compassion?

• Daily practice of a kind and non-judgmental point of view around suffering and pain points. 

• Increase distress tolerance (aka self-regulation skills), so that you are able to “go there” with yourself and others without freaking out! 

References

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.