Autonomy in compassion
As an LMFT, I adhere to a professional Code of Ethics, and autonomy is one of those ethics. Autonomy is respecting the inherent right of a person to make their own decisions for their own lives (barring direct safety concerns to themselves or others). As a therapist (or as a parent to my children,) it is my responsibility to help someone understand the consequences of their actions, but then let go of control of their choices.
Um, that can be excruciatingly hard, can’t it? Watching a loved one make risky or controversial choices? As you stand by, wringing your hands as a pained witness? That stinks!
A movie that depicts this exact tension is Poor Things (2023).
Spoiler Alert! I’m going to talk about the movie now…
In this science-fantasy-adventure movie, Godwin (Willem Dafoe), an unorthodox scientist, re-animates a woman’s body to create Bella (Emma Stone). But Bella has the brain of an infant. At first, her father-figure Godwin keeps her cloistered for her safety. When Bella develops into toddlerhood, she becomes restless and resentful of her caged life, and finds her way to freedom and exploration. Now, the audience sits uncomfortably as we watch this woman-child discover pleasure and wonder, as well as the ills of humanity such as manipulation, exploitation, poverty, and grief. Bella fumbles and steers her way through her crash-course of humanity. She collects experiences and learns as she goes, until she, empowered, rights the wrongs done to the woman who used to inhabit her body, and creates her own personal utopia.
My first reaction to the film was “This is so uncomfortable. What the heck? Why did Emma Stone make this exploitative movie?!” (Then went to read my blog post “You Don’t be the Judge”…) I sat with it, then connected to the story as a parent. While we might wish to shield our children from pain and challenges, disillusionment and grief, we do have to painfully sit back and let them (and anyone we care for), learn from their own experiences and find their own way. Our choice is to respect their autonomy or control them. As the famed Mel Robbins encourages us, “Let Them.”
As we consider how best to support someone else, the question isn’t “are they making the right choice?” but “do I respect their autonomy? Can I hold space for them as they learn from their own experiences, including mistakes and poor judgment?” As parents, we are of course responsible for our children’s well-being. And this letting go is a dance along a continuum, not black and white. Our children separate from us beginning at birth, to literally cutting the cord, to when they become mobile, and on and on. They are growing into their own person, with autonomy. We can put our trust that they have their own inherent survival instinct and inherent goodness. The more we trust them, the more we can let them experience and course-correct their own lives.
Just as Bella uses her experiences of mixed pleasure and pain to build wisdom and strength, we can allow our loved ones to be imperfect adventurers in their own lives. To do this, we must recognize our own suffering as the “pained witness” - the one standing on the tracks watching the train about to crash. We might try to resolve our pain by controlling the other person, but if you keep the other’s autonomy in mind, we must find another way: Enter Self-Compassion. (In Mel Robbins’ lingo, “Let Me.”) We might set boundaries and take a break from watching the imminent crash. We might learn from watching and check our own behaviors to avoid the same crash. We might soothe our own pain with acts of self-kindness.
Where am I trying to let go, as a parent, to respect my child’s autonomy? My older son sometimes struggles with the classic human dilemma of fitting in vs belonging with some of his friends. I wish I could spare him the shame that comes from fitting in and bring him directly to authentic belonging, but part of me knows he needs to experience the contrast of those emotional states to be aware and motivated enough to value authenticity. What can I do? Be a compassionate listener, guide his reflection on his experiences. The rest is his to figure out!
Where can you let go, in order to honor a loved one’s autonomy?
For more related to this topic, check out Humility in Compassion, Love is Patient Love is Kind, and Compassion & Responsibility.
References
Lanthimos, Y. (Director). (2023). Poor things [Film]. 20th Century Studios.
Robbins, M. (2024). The let them theory: A life-changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about. Hay House LLC.
