‘Tis the season (Part 1)

Dec 6

‘Tis the season…for Boundaries! (Part 1)

We all know the winter season can be a time rich with family togetherness and joyful events. It can be joyful and festive, as well as - let’s be honest - stressful, overstimulating, and uncomfortable. So - let’s try to maximize the pleasant and minimize the unpleasant - ‘tis the season for boundaries!

The concept of boundaries began as therapist-speak, but has definitely found a home in pop culture. But as with anything that goes out into the world, the ideas can get a little clouded and distorted. So, from this therapist to you….let’s clarify our boundaries!

Myth 1: Boundaries are about distancing from others.

Nope! The opposite, in fact. In Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown shares research that boundaries, communicated and respected, are an aspect of trusting, connected relationships. She offers a brief definition of boundaries as clarifying “what’s OK and what’s not OK.”

Boundaries help reduce the parts of a relationship that don’t feel OK, to allow more nurturing of the spaces that do feel OK. It’s just like how pruning diseased and dead leaves from a plant can help it grow. In addition, boundaries are vulnerable: you are sharing your authentic truth and revealing imperfections. If boundaries are not expressed and/or not respected, then it’s a sign that there’s insecurity and judgment around vulnerabilities. When they are communicated and respected, it creates security and non-judgment of imperfection. Warm fuzzies all around and a healthy, thriving relationship plant!

A common example these days: “let’s not talk about politics.” If the topic can’t be discussed without anger, misunderstanding, and judgment, it’s OK to have a boundary around that topic to preserve the OK parts. (Because let’s remember, a judgmental dead-end conversation at a holiday meal is not what creates change in the world. Spend that energy somewhere more effective!) Then you get to enjoy a pleasant, connected time with someone you disagree with. That’s a win in my book!

Myth 2: Boundaries are mean and hurtful to others

While it’s true that someone might have some feelings when you communicate a boundary, they will be OK. For example, “Can you pick me up from the airport at 11pm next Tuesday?” “I’m sorry, no. I have to be home for the kids, and I need to be rested for an important 9am meeting the next day.” The person might feel disappointed and you might feel compassion or guilt in witnessing that. Both of you need some distress tolerance to weather these discomforts. Because longer term, you build trust and non-judgment, you are more known and understood, and you protect from resentment gunking up the works. Mini hurt for long-term good. You both learn that the relationship is unconditional and honest, instead of transactional and dishonest.

Myth 3: Boundaries are selfish

For those who have absorbed messages around “selflessness” and “sacrifice” being the highest virtues, this is a tough one. Those concepts exist in a scarcity worldview where one person’s well-being takes away from another’s, so that we are essentially in competition with each other ,and only one person gets to be OK at a time.

I offer another worldview: one of abundance, where we “swim in a pool together.” In this pool, any person’s wellbeing goes into the water, and everyone feels it. The more people who are OK, the better, and there’s infinite potential for wellbeing.

Prentis Hemphill’s definition of boundaries, shared in Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, is “the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” They capture the idea that boundaries help find that space where two people get to be OK, instead of one sacrificing for the other.

When we come close to others, we enter a system. LIke cogs in a machine, if one cog is rusty or broken, the machine breaks down. Tending to each part helps the whole machine. No cog is selfish for receiving maintenance.

For example, if a parent needs time alone or with friends to recharge and restore, but never gets it, that parent will eventually be resentful, burnt out, irritable. Maybe this escalates to significant symptoms of depression, anxiety, rage, brain fog, frequent sickness, etc. The family members won’t feel as secure, connected, or cared for when that’s happening. They might even feel guilty, worried, and empathic distress, to boot. Now no one’s doing that great.

Myth 4: People “should know my boundaries if they care about me.”

No. Your loved ones feel love for you, but that does not make them mind readers and fortune tellers. Using the word “boundaries” (as in, “You’ve got to respect my boundaries!”) is not helpful. “Boundaries” aren’t specific, it’s a concept. We are each unique individuals with ever-changing capacity, feelings, etc, so “what OK and what’s not OK” is unique and ever-changing. It’s your job to practice awareness of your own cues and signals that you need to set a boundary and communicate them and HOLD them, as best you can (more in part 2). It’s a gift to speak your boundaries instead of leaving the other person to have to guess (and likely get it wrong).

Myth 5: Boundaries are forever.

Diamonds might be forever, honey, but boundaries are not. Boundaries change because “what is OK and not OK” changes all the time. Maybe one year you host Thanksgiving for 20 people and tell everyone not to lift a finger. And it’s actually OK for you that year.The next year, you are 7 months pregnant and your partner was just downsized…no longer OK. Sorry friends, but “boundaries” are not a one-and-done conversation. They come from a practice of frequent checking in and communicating. But then again, isn’t that a good thing? You don’t have to decide now what you will want things to be like forever. Pressure off! Remember they are part of nurturing a trusting, connected relationship. That’s a practice, not an item on a to do list.

Myth 6: Boundaries are all or nothing.

Boundaries can be felt, and communicated, in a “yes, but” or “no, but” format! Maybe you can contribute to the Secret Santa at work, but you only want/can at $15 (or whatever). That’s a “yes, but,” as in, “Yes, I’m in, but only if we decide to keep the price point at $15 or less.” Or you are asked to volunteer in your kid’s class for the holiday party, maybe it’s “Yes, but I can stay for 30 minutes.” Or, you are asked to bring a Great British Bakeoff level cake to your friend’s holiday party, and you offer “No, but I can bring cookies.” Reality-check your capacity (time, energy, skill, desire) and speak your truth! Yes, It’s scary, but you are brave!

Myth 7: Boundaries are the other person’s responsibility.

No my dear, they are yours. Only you can know about your of-the-moment capacity for that thing that someone just asked you for. You must check in with yourself, you must communicate, and you must be “the Last Stand” or “Gatekeeper” of your own boundary. As I said above, someone else respecting your boundaries nurtures connection and trust in the relationship, And, you might not be trying to nurture a trusting, deeply connected relationship with everyone that’s asking something of you, or maybe you are but they don’t have the skill set to meet you there. Or maybe you are and they do, but they aren’t perfect and they mess it up. You are your own Gatekeeper. Don’t play the victim and blame someone else for “making you do something.” They are no Pupptermaster and you, their Puppet. You are the Driver of your actions. Own it. With great responsibility comes great power. (Yes, I did invert that on purpose.)

I know I’m deep into tldr territory here, so I will end Part 1 of Boundaries here. Part 2 will include cues to look out for to know when you need a boundary and different styles of communicating them.

Be brave! Happy Holidays! ❄️🕯️

‘Tis the season (Part 1)

Autonomy in compassion