compassion & responsibility
A common refrain in my therapy room is clients feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful, or frustrated with loved ones who are suffering, and what they are doing in an attempt to help. We might call this compassion fatigue. (For now…keep reading!) Often, in conversation, I discover that somewhere along the way, some wires got crossed, and what began as compassion has morphed into responsibility.
These two ways of relating to someone’s pain - feeling compassion for someone, and feeling responsible for someone - are different. I’ll explore how they’re different and why it matters.
To begin, some definitions:
Compassion, defined in Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, is “the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.” The etymology of the word is from Latin: “to suffer with.”
The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of responsibility is “the state of being answerable or accountable for something, or as a duty or task that one is expected to fulfill” Further definitions include aspects of “involving control and authority over something” and “liable if something goes wrong.”
These concepts are similar in that both compassion and responsibility begin with an awareness of someone’s pain or a problem, and both motivate action.
Yet, some important differences: with responsibility, the effort is focused on fixing the perceived problem. With compassion, the effort is focused on connecting with the person’s suffering. Responsibility is about duty, compassion is about relationship. Responsibility has a hierarchy between you and the other person, with your “control and authority over” them, and compassion has no hierarchy, just a mutual “with.”
If we feel responsible for someone, for fixing the pain or problem we’ve observed, the sense of duty can feel like we “have to.” And if we feel answerable and liable for the outcome, it can feel quite high stakes, quite determined, to see the (re)solution through til the end. Our sense of responsibility ends when the problem is fixed. If we feel compassion with someone, the suffering might not end, but the action we take might end when we feel connected around the suffering. If this is new for you, it can feel untested and like you’re not doing enough for your loved one. I’ve had hundreds of conversations where no solution has been identified, nothing resolved, but there’s been compassion. Sadness or angst are expressed, and we part ways smiling and feeling lighter. It is enough.
When can responsibility work well?
Responsibility is wonderful for your dependents, related to things they are actually depending on you for. The group is probably smaller than you think. Infants are dependent for everything, but they quickly gain independence with every step they take. In other words, at a very young age the responsibility is shared, with the ratio continuing to shift towards their being responsible for themselves. Very elderly might become dependent bit by bit, and other persons with limitations in body or mind. With our actual dependents, we do have this duty to provide for and support them.
Responsibility is fantastic to manage ourselves! When we realize responsibility involves “authority and control over something,” we might realize that other people don’t typically like being controlled. Isn’t managing yourself enough work?
When there’s a clear, solvable problem or stoppable pain.
What are the limitations of responsibility?
Not all problems can be solved. Or, not all problems can be solved in the timing you’d like and the way(s) you come up with. Not all suffering can be stopped, especially not in the timing you’d like (immediately. Or yesterday).
Not all parts of a solution are under your control. It’s unfair to feel liable for things that are outside of your control. All of that can lead to guilt, shame, frustration, resentment, overwhelm, pressure…
It’s draining. Because of the hierarchy implicit, responsibility is a one-way flow of effort.
Maybe your actual priority is your relationship with the person who’s suffering, not their problem, and so this responsibility thing misses the point.
When can compassion work well?
When you’d like to nurture your relationship, instead fulfill your sense of duty.
When you want to connect with someone, instead of feeling like an authority over them.
When you are facing an unsolvable or unstoppable (or not immediately solvable or stoppable) problem or pain.
When you would like to have a limitless tool to help others. Because of the give and take of compassion, because of the reward that both feel, because you’re not asking yourself to do impossible tasks (such as fix things that are out of your control), compassion is self-renewing. We have infinite capacity for compassion (with the daily practice).
Before using responsibility - it’s true! You can connect and relate, then use that good vibe to rock some excellent solutions.
What are the limitations of compassion?
IMHO, there are none. But there are challenges to it that make it not always possible. Like, the “suffering with” part. You don’t have to suffer in the moments of compassion, but you do have to have suffered and had compassion for that particular suffering. Compassion uses those experiences to then relate to the current suffering of someone else - a bit like Method acting.
Required skill set of empathy, understanding emotions and being able to express that understanding.
Required skill set of distress tolerance (to manage all that suffering with)
Daily practice of compassion
Compassion takes two (again, with the with). So if the other person has trouble receiving compassion or blocks it somehow, you won’t arrive at that yummy reward of connection.
Let’s jump back to one of the similarities between compassion and responsibility: both motivate action. Again, responsibility focuses on the fix, and we feel liable for the outcome, so the duty doesn’t end until the fix is achieved. We are striving towards a goal. With compassion, we often have to accept that our actions might not result in a fix. Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher and writer, describes a paradox of compassion: “when we struggle, we give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.” The same non-striving quality that this paradox suggests can be applied to compassion between people. Non-striving means taking action to take action, and letting that be enough. Have you ever heard a child cry and felt that tug in your chest? Maybe you let that tug lead you toward them and offer them a backrub or soothing words. You did that in response to their suffering, probably not thinking “I gotta make that kid stop crying.” (Listen, I’ve thought that - we all have our days!) If we take action with the goal of achieving a specific outcome in a specific way at a specific time, we might become disappointed or frustrated, and it adds tension. If we go in for the hug with that striving mindset, and the kid is still crying 30 seconds in, we might snap and feel irritated. All compassion is lost, and the kid will probably cry more.
How can we “take action in the face of suffering”?
Neff discusses the yin (tender, still) and yang (energized, acting in the world) ways of taking action. Not every “action in the face of suffering” is big and grand, the yin qualities yield more subtle responses to suffering, including validating, soothing, and comforting. The idea is not to leave a suffering being cold and alone. Yang responses are more vigorous, including protecting, providing, and motivating.
Some examples: soothing that crying child with a hug and tender words, validating an outraged person describing microaggressions they received at work, comforting someone with blankets and soup when they’re sick, motivating someone who’s feeling discouraged when they backslide with a new healthy habit, providing food for someone who’s hungry, protecting a kid from a bully.
So “compassion fatigue” is misnamed! Compassion is limitless because it is self-renewing. Practicing compassion doesn’t drain you, it rewards you. If you’re feeling fatigue, overwhelm, pressure, frustration, powerlessness, guilt, shame, or resentment from caring for someone else, you have probably been acting from a sense of responsibility. If that’s the case, you need some compassion, stat!
References
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. First edition. Random House.
Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Oxford University Press [3].(n.d.).Responsibility.In *Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary* [5].Retrieved July 25, 2025 from https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/responsibility
