I am Not a Robot

Growing up, I was overscheduled, as most people are in our modern world. My personal essay for college applications began with a checklist (the hook!), familiar from my morning scramble of packing all the things I would need for academic classes, band, and extracurriculars, which would take me through to the evening. I was often late - at least it felt that way - and I was often blamed for the reason we were running late. I internalized that, and it expressed itself in (what I now know) was rigid thinking and compulsions. I would be in the car, “playing” with the numbers on the digital clock, constantly doing and re-doing the math to see how long it would take to arrive, how many minutes we’d have when we got there, if we could yet be on time, or how many minutes late we would be, and what we’d have time to do when we arrived. Working and re-working the numbers. Throughout the entire drive. Day after day, week after week, year after year. All that energy, coming at me and from within me, never directed to a helpful place!

The helpful place: learning how to be on time. For so many of us, we learn punctuality as a sign of respect for others, a standard of being responsible and ‘adult,’ even a valued character trait. Being on time is actually a skill that can be learned (I’m proof…imperfect proof!) 

For me, the skill set was multi-layered. It took cognitive work of being able to identify “stuck” and rigid thinking. It included the emotional work of accepting myself as I am (distractible, creative, and Not a Robot), and the practical habit of slowing down to “reality-check” a process and think it through. I didn’t receive that skill-building as a kid, because I don’t think my parents had these skills to give, so it wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s, mom of 2, that I learned a new system. 

When I reached my mid-30s, I spent some time in therapy to support me through family dynamics, post-partum with my second, pandemic, first time homeowner / move stuff. Ten years into being a therapist myself, that therapy was what catapulted me into learning, in significant detail, about obsessive thinking, rigid (black and white) thinking, and how these habits of thinking show up in me, and from there, a deep dive into self-compassion work. So, for the jolt of insight: Ashley, I’m deeply grateful!

The Cognitive

So, I was on the lookout for this “stuck” and black and white thinking. In a completely unrelated realm of life (well…more “adulting” skill sets I needed to learn…) I found the You Need a Budget software (YNAB) for our family budget. I love it! At that time, YNAB had 4 Rules that create a budgeting mindset and lifestyle, which the software then supports. Rule 2 was Plan for your True Expenses. True Expenses - not just the obvious main ones, like mortgage/rent, groceries, and car insurance, but the quarterly (ie sewer, trash), seasonal (ie holiday gifts, summer camp), long-term (ie vacation, new car, retirement), and predictably unpredictable (ie car repairs, new fridge). These expenses are bound to come eventually, so account for them. 

Somehow, this unlocked something for me, and I applied the idea of True Expenses to True Time. All these years of trying to be on time, I was rigidly focused on the obvious Main Event - how long does it take to get there? - and not accounting for all that other stuff that makes up real life.

The Emotional

I was stuck in that place, applying the same system, failing frequently, but thinking I was the problem (feeling shame). I suddenly saw: I’m not the problem, my system is flawed (self-compassion!). From a place of self-compassion, I could re-think the system. True Time asks 

• How long does it take to get there? (The Main Event)

• +10 minutes (or more!) for traffic and wrong turns? (Reality-check and self-acceptance)

• +10 minutes to gather everything I need for the activity, time to lock the door settle into the car, setup GPS and music, etc (The Before)

• +10 minutes to find parking, apply lip gloss, gather belongings, walk into the activity? (The After)

• +2 minutes to breathe, settle in, take it all in, and celebrate myself for being so Adult!

With kids in tow, this list looks slightly different, but the concept is the same. And just go ahead and add 20 minutes for expressions of individuality and feelings. 

Of course I couldn’t be on time without True Time checks! When I realized that, my self-compassion and compassion for my Past Self only grew. 

The Practical

I built a habit to use the True Time Before - Main - After check when planning activities. It’s become second nature, and even have a short hand of +20 or +30 for different scenarios. 

I use the same concept not just to arrive somewhere on time, but when organizing my day. If I’m going to cook dinner (Main Event), I know I need a tidy space and time to set up the kids with an (Before), +10 minutes to make some mistake somewhere and +10 for phone distractions (self acceptance), and +10 for plating and table setting (or supporting the kids to set the table). That’s my reality of it, and it’s only a problem if I think I should be able to get dinner on the table in 30 minutes total. 

My go-to reminder for the self-acceptance aspect of this is “I am Not a Robot.” I used this today! I used to (and sometimes still) think “I’ve got 8 notes to write, at 5 minutes each. I should be done in 40 minutes.” No. Because I am Not a Robot. It takes a few minutes to settle in, plug in my laptop, accept that I have to do this, get my work music going, check email, etc. I might do 2 notes, then gaze off for a minute. It might take me longer as I remember and call up each session, and mentally transition in and out of each one. I am Not a Robot. The physical writing of the note could be 5 minutes (Main Event), but there’s a micro transition in and out of each one, that takes up real space-time. 

Where do you see stuck thinking in your day to day? Where can you reality-check your systems with self-compassion?