Checkpoints & endings

In the wellness space, we often hear about the concept of “acceptance.” It has Buddhist roots, and is often part of conversations with mindfulness, spiritual practices, and self-compassion. Talking with many people, I have encountered confusion and myth about acceptance. This might sound something like, “If I accept myself as I am, then why do I have to do any work to change?” or “If I accept things as they are, then does that mean I’m stuck with it?” So I want to bring attention and offer language to differentiate between things that I believe are near enemies (Sidenote: near enemy is a concept from Japanese Buddhism to describe things that seem very similar, but one actually undermines the other. I learned this concept from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart (Brown, 2021, 251-53)). 

So, my language for these two things are acceptance and resignation. The shared part of these concepts is behavioral: we stop trying to change something that we cannot change. The difference between this concepts lies in the mindset and emotional experiences of each.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines resigned as being willing to calmly accept something unpleasant or difficult that you cannot change. And we might resign from a job or position, which we understand as giving up, quitting, or leaving. 

With these examples, being resigned to something or resigning from something carries associations of quitting or ending something, maybe even a sense of powerlessness and stuckness (“...something unpleasant or difficult that you cannot change”). “I am what I am.” Stop. “It is what it is.” Stop. 

Acceptance can have a similar experience of “difficult things that you cannot change.” The key difference here is to keep a lens of mindfulness and curiosity (concepts that are inherent to self-compassion). We might realize that “difficult things that we cannot change” are for now or in part, allowing space for a compassionate response. The reality  is that there is no leaving or quitting or ending, there are only cycles of life. Everything changes, mostly in ways that feel mixed, but some that feel better, and some that feel worse. All of it is for now, or in part, until more changes come. Some of these changes are within our control and many are not.  When we adopt this subtle but important shift in perspective (from ending to middle, from whole to part), it may bring back a sense of hope. 

I will sometimes discuss the concept of acceptance as a “reality check” or “checkpoint:” “Here’s what I’m working with, for now. What do I need? What can I do from here?” 

One way to understand how these concepts relate to each other:

Resignation overidentifies with the difficulties, and gets you lost in them. Resistance denies the difficulties and can get you equally stuck in expecting the impossible. (“If my friend could just _________ , she’d be so much happier!” And the friend has not succeeded in doing ______ the 10 times she’s tried.) Resignation and Resistance are opposite strategies (overidentifying with the difficulties and underidentifying with the difficulties) that lead to the same places: stuckness and powerlessness, frustration, and biased data. Acceptance is the middle ground: it acknowledges difficulties while finding compassion, openness, and hope. 

When we are able to accept things as they are for now, we can take that reality-checked awareness and find ways to respond. The stance of openness - remembering that everything changes - allows space for a compassionate response. Asking yourself “What do I need?” is a simple way to tap into that compassionate response. With the difficult parts of what we’re accepting, we might need a subtle (yin) response such as validating the discomfort / challenge, comforting, or soothing ourselves. We might be able to find more active (yang) responses, and find parts that we can change or re-shape, by means of providing needs, protecting ourselves and loved ones,  or motivating a larger change. (Neff & Germer, 2018, 38-40).

Some examples:

Difficulty: High stress work environment

Example of Resignation: “I signed up for this job, and it is what it is. I’ll tough it out.”

Example of Acceptance: “This pattern has been going on for 2 years. I’m disappointed my dream job isn’t what I thought it would be. But I don’t see signs of it changing any time soon. I’m going to start looking for other work.”

Difficulty: Diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder

Example of Resignation: “Well, there’s no cure. I guess I’ll feel this bad forever.”

Example of Acceptance: “This is really difficult and will change a lot of things for me. I’m going to learn lifestyle changes to help myself, and find resources for support when I have a flare up.”

Difficulty: Loved one is struggling with addiction

Example of Resignation: “It’s a disease. I love them, so I guess I’ll stay with them no matter what.”

Example of Acceptance: “I love them and this is tragic. But I feel myself growing resentful and hurt by their behaviors. I don’t see them trying to change. I will set boundaries.”

Acceptance is not easy to come by (more on that in another post, Acceptance & Loss,) and we don’t usually “arrive” there and stay there. Like much of what I write about, it’s an imperfect practice that takes a lot of courage and grit. But in letting go of the tensions of resistance and powerlessness of resignation and practicing acceptance, you can find qualities of peace and openness through hard times. 

References

Brown, Brene. (2021). Atlas of the heart : mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience . New York: Random House.

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York, NY: Guilford Press.