needing to hide & choosing to share
When it comes to keeping our cards close to the chest, secrecy and privacy can look similar. With both, vulnerable information is withheld. The difference comes in the emotional and relational experiences of each, so it’s helpful to have language that allows us to get granular! Across many conversations in the therapy room, have settled on the terms “secrecy” and “privacy” to allow for this important nuance.
Secrecy is the feeling “I have to hide this. I can’t let anyone know.” It is part of what I call a “survival toolkit.” The survival toolkit is full of protective strategies that can be helpful in (emotionally) unsafe spaces. Why might we feel we have to hide something? If we fear judgment, if someone might weaponize the information to use it against us, if we don’t trust the person to treat that information kindly or justly. Fear and shame (rational or irrational) are present when we feel we have to hide.
On the other hand, sometimes we feel like we have to give the information. We owe someone because of the relationship dynamic (mother, boss, or friend you’ve shared other things with) or because they asked and we don’t know how to say no. Feeling you owe someone or are forced to share vulnerable information comes with a power imbalance, and is another tool from the “survival toolkit.”
Then we have oversharing, where there’s the guise of connection and vulnerability, but it’s not actually grounded in building trust and connection with someone specific. It might be “jumping ahead” and/or unreciprocated in the block-by-block building process of trust and connection. It might be generalized (for example, on social media, or sharing the exact same story with many people) regardless of your relationship with them.
Privacy is feeling freedom of choice to want to share or not want to share. It is part of the “connection toolkit,” and is very helpful in an emotionally safe space. Just like having a private bedroom, where we have a say in who enters, when, and how, we can choose to share our vulnerable information or keep that door closed. Another way to think of privacy is having boundaries around information. Connection and trust are present when we feel we can choose to share or keep this story to ourselves. If I share, I can trust this person to treat this information with kindness and respect.
We can understand how these concepts relate with this diagram:
Some things to consider to foster healthy boundaries around information:
If you realize you are keeping secrets, explore for shame and cultivate compassion
If you observe people in your environment who are emotionally unsafe, you can choose to keep that info private
If you find people in your environment that you feel emotionally safe with, you might choose to get courageous and share
Observe your own behaviors for respecting others’ information boundaries: letting go of gossip, one-way vulnerability, pressuring someone to share, judgment, and using someone’s vulnerability against them, not validating / believing the person’s narrative, etc
Please remember vulnerability takes courage! Be kind to yourself out there :-)
